Week 5: Change

Monkeys!

Similar to my pregnancies with the boys, this one is marked by early spotting. I was hoping to be oh so very zen this third time around, but spotting makes it harder to settle in. I’ve been trying to reframe and consider that maybe this is just normal-for-me first trimester stuff. Of course I’m always curious about why things are the way they are, but sometimes there just isn’t an answer. Either way, my first prenatal appointment is in a week.

I’ve been thinking ahead to what next year will be like with both boys home for school and an infant to care for and meanwhile, the usual ups and downs in daily life feel more acute with the pressure of time pushing against me. Certain aspects of our family dynamic that I had made note to change at some point now feel more urgent: getting the boys to reliably sleep through the night, simplifying mealtimes with different expectations and less struggle, facilitating their greater independence and reducing conflict in general—there is plenty more, but that’s a first coil of thought as they begin to unwind.

More distressing than what lies far ahead: our sitters have vaporized for one thing or another leaving me without the backbone of life's balance for the foreseeable future, and just at a time when I know I will especially need it. Five hours a week isn't a lot but it makes all the difference to me and the thought of going without makes the walls feel like they are closing in for lack of option.

All of this welcome and unwelcome change reminds me that I thrive under constancy, that transitions can be hard for me, but also that I have the opportunity now to lower my expectations, get serious about slowing down and further simplifying our routine. 

Otherwise, I’m eating loads of vegetables and lots of protein, and craving green things to drink. At 3am you can find me under a nightlight with a good book as it's nearly impossible to fall back to sleep after being woken up at night. I’m feeling sleepier in general and midday naps have become an oasis. I’m more winded at my nightly workouts—working as hard but not covering as much distance—and relaxin is surely flowing because I can feel my long runs in my joints already. I am hugely more comfortable with my top button undone too, and I can't help but be amazed at how much quicker pregnancy sets in with each subsequent baby.