Stay Curious.
Dig Deeper.
Nurture What Matters.
Be BoldHeart.
Enjoy Your Life.

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The BoldHeartMama desires to enjoy living out the choices that she’s made for herself and for her family. She is a relentless learner: curious, inquisitive, and open to the possibilities of her life and of the human condition. She understands that there isn't one right way—she asks questions that dig deeper to make sense of it all and to find her own path.

She pays attention to and nurtures whatever it is she really cares about, letting go of the rest (for now) knowing she can't do and be everything all at once. She embraces her imperfections in favor of "good enough"—her imperfect self, her imperfect home, her imperfect mothering, her imperfect desires—and she never stops evolving as a woman and mother. She is a BoldHeart, authentic and true to herself.

The BoldHeartMama knows there is only this one life and she's all in. She is present and engaged and making things happen. Her intuition is her guide. She seeks to be inspired and relies on her creativity and her resourcefulness to solve the big and little challenges that she and her family face together as they navigate their relationships and their world.

The BoldHeartMama is willing to take calculated risks to make her biggest dreams come true. She is living out her BoldHeart in the moment, making small moves and taking little steps that add up, and she's cultivating a good life for herself and her family in the process. Read More!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

A change in plans, no babies for a while

Summertime is chalk and homemade tie dye tees

While at the beach this year Andy and I were able to do exactly two things together, alone.

One oppressive and sticky night we took a beach walk at sunset, trudging through the sand and talking at a fervent pace about our future, our family, and life in general. We walked until the sky went dark when we were left to carefully retrace our path along the shoreline lit only by the glow from the houses that perched over the dunes. That conversation centered largely on dismantling our plan for adding more kids to our brood this year.

The following night we put the boys to bed, and then drove out to Corolla for dinner overlooking the sound. The conversation was unusually playful. I had a martini (rare!)--which pretty much blew me over--and we drove home lighthearted and giddy, headed straight for the hot tub like impulsive teenagers. It was good to feel our marriage so alive, when it more often seems like our relationship lies dormant somewhere beneath a wintry landscape fraught with demands.

I've felt the thaw for many months now. A quiet awakening and a healthy burst of energy as we emerge from the experience of the last four years. Bringing our partnership out into the bright Summer sun and canopied under the warm starry nights helped to bring our marriage back into focus and gave us some much-needed perspective. We want to hold onto the feeling we have right now, and we need some downtime.

Of course the boys have our hearts in every moment and they are as amazing now as they were born. I want a large family, but if I push through to have a third this year we would likely stop there. Roscoe and Merritt are incredible and I want to give them everything. For me it has been a hard exchange and, as I've mentioned before, I'm learning to respect my limits.

In the spirit of imperfect timing, we added that maternity rider to our health insurance plan effective this month with intention to get pregnant in the Spring. 
After some debate we're keeping the rider because it is insurance, after all, but our plans have most definitely changed. For now we are content as a family of four. I've been yearning for this sense of calm, and I finally feel it.  We want to see where life takes us in the next couple years and aim for a baby born when Roscoe and Merritt are closer to school-age. 

Everyone will be weaned!  Everyone will be out of diapers! Maybe everyone will actually sleep through the night!!? (We're still working on this, believe it or not.) With time we also get space for our marriage to reconnect and thrive, for our parental reserves to refuel, and for our relationship with our two little guys to continue to develop. Respite and stability sound pretty solid right now.


A larger spread between siblings changes the family dynamic I've always imagined for us, but taking all things into consideration the lightness we feel in our hearts tells me it is the right thing for us right now. We'll know when we're ready again to embrace the unknown of another pregnancy and the exhausting bliss of a newborn.

3 comments :

  1. As Philip and I start discussing a second these are exactly the feelings we have. J will start half day preschool a year from September and it is very tempting to start trying for a second so we will have a new on for next summer, but as you mentioned Philip and I have finally found a place where we don't feel 99% of our energy goes to parenting and we have time for ourselves and each other. Enjoy the freedom the break gives you so you can be the best parents possible for baby number 3 and beyond!

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  2. Hey Jacqueline, was wondering how you were so checked up on you and glad you guys had at least one steamy "hot tub night" ;) The wait makes complete sense. Not rushing, just enjoying the ride. Of course, I'm sure you are going to return reinvigorated after NYC with all sorts of ideas that will carry you through (and entertain us after you blog about it) the next few years as you enjoy life with the boys weaned and potty capable. Plus, *selfishly* I'm hoping as the kids get older we all will have days available for a few less playdates and a few more girlfriend days out! Hugs to all.

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  3. As you know, I very much understand this. It's so tricky trying to balance following our plans against the reality of what we need. I think a lot now about a spread of more than 2 years between baby 2 and theoretical baby number 3. I used to never consider that. Now? I'm thinking "Why not?" Looking forward to seeing how you guys work it all out :)

    PS - Enjoy Blogher and blog it like crazy for me, okay??

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