Stay Curious.
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Nurture What Matters.
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The BoldHeartMama desires to enjoy living out the choices that she’s made for herself and for her family. She is a relentless learner: curious, inquisitive, and open to the possibilities of her life and of the human condition. She understands that there isn't one right way—she asks questions that dig deeper to make sense of it all and to find her own path.

She pays attention to and nurtures whatever it is she really cares about, letting go of the rest (for now) knowing she can't do and be everything all at once. She embraces her imperfections in favor of "good enough"—her imperfect self, her imperfect home, her imperfect mothering, her imperfect desires—and she never stops evolving as a woman and mother. She is a BoldHeart, authentic and true to herself.

The BoldHeartMama knows there is only this one life and she's all in. She is present and engaged and making things happen. Her intuition is her guide. She seeks to be inspired and relies on her creativity and her resourcefulness to solve the big and little challenges that she and her family face together as they navigate their relationships and their world.

The BoldHeartMama is willing to take calculated risks to make her biggest dreams come true. She is living out her BoldHeart in the moment, making small moves and taking little steps that add up, and she's cultivating a good life for herself and her family in the process. Read More!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Its been a while

Let's seeeee, what's been happening around here over the last two weeks?

Roscoe has weaned
Short story: I was nursing Roscoe once a day at nap time for 3-5 minutes, but our routine was interrupted abruptly when I was admitted to labor and delivery back in February. Andy took over everything in my absence, including naps. I continued to offer to nurse Roscoe whenever we did see each other, and I made a point not to refuse when he asked. In a context outside of nap, nursing lasted only a half minute or so and seemed to serve as a familiar way to touch base with each other. The beginning of the end came when when my milk arrived. Roscoe retracted back with a troubled look on his face, made an exaggerated guttural gagging sound and uttered..."milk." Then he said "done" and was done. Well, mostly. He continued to like the idea of nursing, and continued to request it only to repeat his initial reaction, which then became a sort of game. Since we've come home from the hospital Roscoe has been adamant that milk is for Met.

Roscoe reigns as Merritt's big brother. For a 22 month old we've learned that this role largely consists of doling out well intentioned affection with reckless abandon--a gesture challenged greatly by an effort to learn to practice restraint of his wildly excited limbs and appendages (also known as the art of being gentle). While two kids are harder than one, we've quickly learned that it's not the newborn we have to worry about. It's the toddler. Looking back to Roscoe's first few months, I'm a little bewildered as to why we felt so challenged (although to be fair, I understand now that the first time around for us was not so much about the baby as it was the life change). So far, Merritt and Roscoe are a sweet little pair, and I'm already looking ahead a few months when there will be a little more give and take interaction between the two. For now, Roscoe just vies for Merritt's attention--he frequently demands, "look at me! look at me!!"

Merritt is a mellow fellow
He's a quiet little guy who sleeps most of the time (and doesn't necessarily demand to be in arms, which is a strict departure from kiddo numero uno). He wakes to eat, and stays alert for a half hour or so to quietly soak up our rowdy household antics. He nurses on a pretty predictable schedule, so I've found a few opportunities to get out and about without him. Merritt also travels well in the car (such a nice surprise, given infant Roscoe's fear and loathe of the confines of the car seat) so he and I have gone out together a time or two as well--roaming the grocery aisles for the first time in almost two months felt like a real treat.

Nap time is the hardest time, and nursing too
Without fail, as Roscoe's nap time approaches Merritt begins to stir for milk. It has become the most stressful time of the day for me as I ricochet down the hall between the two boys in a sometimes successful attempt to tend to both of them simultaneously.

For a Momma handicapped by limited resources (only two arms and two legs!), nursing requires another balancing act, plus a whole lot of patience. While Merritt eats, Roscoe dances around us, picking, poking, prodding, and testing his limits. He's intent to be in contact with one or both of us at all times, bouncing erratically yet unassumingly on whatever surface we happen to be sitting. It drives me crazy and I'm still experimenting to find the most effective approach to curtail the behavior when I have little ability to immediately redirect or remove him from the scene.

I joined weight watchers
I have literally lost 3 pounds since Merritt was born. THREE. I do believe that four weeks of hospital food and near round the clock sitting gave me the worst head start on postpartum weight loss ever. While it could be argued that getting back in shape should sit lower on my list of priorities, it does not! I joined weight watchers and lost a pound last week. Weight watchers accommodates nursing mothers and is designed to facilitate a loss of one pound a week. Even though I didn't feel hungry and had enough points to indulge my sweet tooth, a one pound loss still feels a little disappointing. At this rate, my postpartum weight loss journey will be very s-l-o-w going.

We're over this monitor
Early last week we met with Merritt's pediatric pulmonary specialist. The data that was downloaded from his monitor revealed only one true spell over a two week period. I was hoping to get a reduced prescription, perhaps nights only or during feeds only. Instead, we were ordered another two weeks on the monitor 24 hours a day. ugh. I have a strong dislike for that little machine and I'm not at all convinced that it is necessary. I'll admit that Merritt hasn't been hooked up for the last four days...I keep telling myself tomorrow. We go back in two weeks and there needs to be data on that hard drive, so TOMORROW!

What's next?
I've been a little overwhelmed and a lot tired since we came home two weeks ago. Merritt is 6 1/2 weeks old, and was officially due this Friday. I've been quietly mourning the fact that I didn't get a "honeymoon" postpartum period, even if only for a day or two. Andy returns to work tomorrow, but my mom will be here to help out this week so I'm hoping to reclaim a tiny piece of what I might have missed.


  1. You have been & are still going through so much but it will get better & a routine will form shortly I'm sure :)

    My biggest fear when our little guy is born is B not liking his little brother so I will hope for him to be like Roscoe & love him from the start.

    Hang in there ((hugs))

  2. Love the brother dynamic! My nephews are much the same way. My older nephew kept going to day care while my sister was on maternity leave and I think it saved her sanity. Are you taking extra time off due to the time "lost" in the NICU?

    I'm thinking about joining weight watchers also - I have lost 15 lbs but I need to lose at least 10 more before I go back to work unless I want to buy a new wardrobe.

    I am so sick of the monitor too, and I also don't think she needs it. Her last episode was on 3/15 (I am hoping the alarms since then have been false) so I'm hoping we can get off within the next two weeks. My due date is today!

    I still haven't taken her anywhere (other than pedi and a few walks, I wish the weather were nicer) and I'm going to ask the pedi about it next week. I feel like the store in the middle of the day would be OK, if she's in a sling and no one touches her. But then there's the nursing which adds a whole other factor...

  3. I'm glad that things are going so well - you're the second person I've heard that says the newborn phase now seems easy, it's so funny how our perspectives change from one kid to the next! I hope things continue to go well, I love hearing about the big brother/little brother relationship!

  4. So glad to see a post from you and hear that everything is going well :) It's pretty sad when going to the grocery store is a treat, huh?! Haha! Pretty soon you'll be scooting all around town like a pro with the two of them!
    I totally understand the nap time tough time tends to be evenings and bedtime. Adelle will be up and want attention, but its such a busy time of day...making dinner, tubbies, bedtime, etc. I have a bouncy seat in Lilah's room for Adelle but that doesn't always do the trick. I've tried nursing Adelle on one side while holding Lilah on the other side and rocking them both while reading a book. I could definitely use an extra arm or two, lol!
    Have you done weight watchers in the past? I started it last week as well and I am curious as to what you think about the new points plus plan? I love fruit so I am happy to eat a lot of it, especially since its all zero points now, but I don't feel as hungry as I did last time so I wonder if it won't be as effective of a plan this time.

  5. Josefine: Happy due date!! I really question the monitors in general and I plan to push back some at our next visit. It's probably hard to imagine why the monitor is so annoying (for those who've never had to use them) but there are so many reasons why I want that thing out of here. We were told not to take Merritt anywhere for 12 weeks, although it's not quite possible given that I have another kid. More recently our pedi said that he would be ok if he was in his own space and no one touched him, so I think a sling is perfect. I'm still being cautious, but when I went to pick up his prescription I couldn't help but grab a cart and fill it up! The nursing can be a challenge to work around since it's not entirely predictable. I was a shut-in for months with Roscoe because I was stressed about the uncertainty of what he might need when we were out, and because I wasn't yet comfortable nursing in public. I had good luck timing my trips so that he would nurse just before we left, then I'd bring the nursing cover and always built in time for breaks assuming that we'd be nursing intermittently. Nursing in the car right before or after an errand would satisfy him enough/or tide him over until we could make it to our next destination. I took refuge there quite frequently! As for time off, I'm not technically on structured leave--it's unpaid and my job right now is a little less formal than the norm--so I'm just keeping my original return date of July 5th. I figure that the first 8 weeks weren't much of a break, and I can always return earlier if I have the itch. How much leave are you taking?

    MamaTully: It is very sad that I was so happy to pick out food...but hey, I'm easy to please now :) I have been successful with weight watchers many times in the past. I agree that it's great to be able to eat fruit whenever we want, and I think that's why I haven't felt as hungry as I have in the past on the program--a banana or two will fill me right up! The ww leaders told me that the plan for nursing moms is designed to help us lose UP TO one pound a week. depressing (at least to me when I have 25 to lose + another ten if I want to really get where I want to be). For the most part, it seems that the initial postpartum weight shed is over by the first three or four weeks and then the rest is up to us. WW recommends their program for women 6 weeks postpartum or greater, so you could probably expect to lose a little more if it's sooner. I'm considering cutting back on some of the "nursing" points, or not using the bank, or starting to workout again...something to help this process along!

    Heading over to your blog to find your mcfatty post...

  6. You are doing great just remember your most important roll is to be a Mama and feed little Merritt. I wouldn't cut the nursing points for a while but I know that when I had the full nursing allowance (I have just cut down to half as J is definetly nursing less and eating more solids and I had hit a plateau) I never hardley used the extra bank of points. Good luck now that the weather is nice once you can get both boys out for walks in that lush double stroller I bet you see the weight drop off!

    On a side not I noticed when I went back to WW after giving birth I would loose tiny amount or nothing for 2-3 weeks and then loose 3lbs one week and then back to nothing or 1/2lb for a few weeks. I know everyone is different.


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