Stay Curious.
Dig Deeper.
Nurture What Matters.
Be BoldHeart.
Enjoy Your Life.

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The BoldHeartMama desires to enjoy living out the choices that she’s made for herself and for her family. She is a relentless learner: curious, inquisitive, and open to the possibilities of her life and of the human condition. She understands that there isn't one right way—she asks questions that dig deeper to make sense of it all and to find her own path.

She pays attention to and nurtures whatever it is she really cares about, letting go of the rest (for now) knowing she can't do and be everything all at once. She embraces her imperfections in favor of "good enough"—her imperfect self, her imperfect home, her imperfect mothering, her imperfect desires—and she never stops evolving as a woman and mother. She is a BoldHeart, authentic and true to herself.

The BoldHeartMama knows there is only this one life and she's all in. She is present and engaged and making things happen. Her intuition is her guide. She seeks to be inspired and relies on her creativity and her resourcefulness to solve the big and little challenges that she and her family face together as they navigate their relationships and their world.

The BoldHeartMama is willing to take calculated risks to make her biggest dreams come true. She is living out her BoldHeart in the moment, making small moves and taking little steps that add up, and she's cultivating a good life for herself and her family in the process. Read More!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Mcfatty Monday--how many weeks has it been, now?

I've had a lot on my mind the past week. I re-read a post from last year, July 3rd, where I emphatically declared my first postpartum run, with only 12 pounds left to lose.

One year and a few weeks later, 8 of those 12 pounds are still hanging out. I admit there was a point a month or so ago at which I had only 3 pounds to lose but I derailed my progress in a few short weeks of less than stellar dedication.

I've been persistent over the past year in my effort to get back my pre-baby body. So much happened in the first 8 weeks without much effort at all, and in the many months that followed I ramped up my activity and continued to be forgiving of myself, empowered by my new role and sincerely impressed with my body for all that we had been through and everything that it was capable of.

I've since experienced my first post-baby beach vacation, and over the weekend my first post-baby bathing suit shopping experience.

I can no longer claim to have "just had a baby", and I'm beginning to accept the fact that despite my highest hopes, my body is not quite as good as new. It just isn't.

There are no excuses left and I'm having a hard time.

And it's not only about three pounds, or five. Or eight. I've been in my pre-preg clothes for almost a year. But my body is different. I'm sure all you mommas can relate.

I'm trying to get pregnant again and yet there's just so much that I want to do right now--train for a marathon, or a triathlon, join Crossfit, bike the US. Negative pregnancy tests induce one part relief, one part disappointment, and one part anxiety as I begin to wonder why we're not yet pregnant. We know we want more kids (3 more, please!), and the idea of another baby right now feels like a good decision, but I guess I'm not thrilled about the physical limitations of pregnancy and the inevitable postpartum period that follows. Everyone keeps asking "what's the rush" but with my career and my fertility in mind, I feel intrinsic pressure to make and bake these babies, PRONTO! I also have early menopause in my family history--a fact that weighs on my mind quite a bit now.

Contrary to my hypothesis, trying to get pregnant while simultaneously trying to lose weight has all but killed my motivation to hunker down--I can't count the number of times that I've given myself permission to sabatage my progress because "I'll be pregnant soon, anyway." What's even more unsettling: I'm beginning to doubt that losing weight or pursuing greater fitness will make me feel much better. At best, this is written by a tired Momma at the end of a long and demanding week (and the start of another). At worst, this is a self esteem issue.

Either way. I'm not liking this place very much.

On a superficial level, I bought a pedometer and BOB Duallie running stroller this weekend (yes, a double stroller!!). The BOB is actually an early birthday present, which I'm very excited about. I'm recommitting to my diet and fitness goals and hoping that these two new pieces of equipment will help me to weave into my days more informal activity. P.S. living in the suburbs makes you fat.

On a deeper level, I think I'll have to work on accepting me for me. Which has been a lifelong exercise that I would love to put out of its misery.

How do you merge your self image with your post-baby body?


  1. that is a tough one.

    because I'm the same way - I'm under my pre-pregnancy weight, back in my pre-pregnancy clothes...but I just don't look like me. I'm totally different.

    It's hard, but I think I'm just realizing that there are parts of me that have changed perm. from having a baby. My hips are going to be bigger. I'm going to have a fat pouch. No matter how thin I get, I'm not going to look 18.

    I could launch into a swoony piece about how I gave birth & it's miraculous & it makes it all better, but it's not always that easy.

  2. I'm also a different shape, even though I weigh less now. I've always had a tummy, but it's even more noticeable right now. I like to call it my jungle pouch, just like the one my cat, Stevie has :) And my boobs. I really miss my old boobs.

    That being said, I just try really, really hard to look at what I like in the mirror and ignore what I don't like. I try to take the time to get pretty on occasion. I give myself compliments all the time (ooh! you look nice!), which is totally weird :) I improved my self image dramatically once upon a time with positive affirmations and I really do believein them, even though they are the cheesiest thing ever. Maybe type up 10 things you like about yourself (doesn't just have to be body related), print it out and cut them up and post them around where you will see them (bathroom mirror, datebook, car, etc.). Then you get reminders all day about why you are fabulous. And when you feel fabulous, it's easier to take care of yourself.

    Does this make sense? I hope it's coming off OK and not all weird and hippy dippy :)

  3. Yeah coming to the realization that I can no longer blame baby weight is a whole new level of depression. I now have to accept the fact that this is ALL me now and I have to do something about it. Congrats on your goal reaching!

  4. I have never had a child of my own. I have never experienced the changes in my body that all of you mommas have. I can't say that I will love my body when I am done. Hell, I don't love my body now. But... I can say that body image, in my opinion, is skewed. I think the changes in a mothers body reflect the awesome thing she has done. I envy you and your momma body!

    I struggle even now with loving myself for the way I look now... Who knows how I will feel after I have my children... But I totally agree with you. Finding the strength to love ourselves is key!

    Good luck to you woman!!!

  5. I could have written this post, except the whole back into all my pre-preggo clothes. My body changed a lot my hips honestly did not exist, they were so narrow that my dr warned me that I may have no choice but to have a C-section. And then hormones kicked in and they went out and out and stayed that way. I look in the mirror and see the shape I envied not too long ago and miss my old self. This weekend I decided to just get rid of those clothes that were made for a body that I no longer have, I can loose fat but not bone.

    This week I am learning to love the new me.

  6. Thanks for sharing, I stepped on the scale today I am 6lbs away from pre pregnancy weight (another 15 that I let creap on while we were TTC because "what was the point in trying to hard to loose it when I was going to be pregnant soon") and I fit back into a carefully chosen selection of my "normal" clothes. I have read your blog for the last just over a year as I tried so hard to concieve and then felt like a pregnancy failure when I did not feel like an earth mother goddess the whole step of the way. Your blog has always made me rethink and relook at my attitude and I hope that your adventures in weight loss can keep me from getting frustrated when things don't work out perfectly.

  7. I never had a great body before pregnancy but have even more motivation to get one now! I definitely have that mom body but that's okay with me - I've always had good wide birthing hips :)

  8. Thanks for your support! I always feel better when I'm in the company of other new (ish) moms :)

    Navigating the Mothership: I agree that putting effort into looking good definitely goes a long way in feeling good about ourselves--I will come up with 10 things that I like about myself--I haven't done that in a while. Stay tuned--maybe I'll share them!

    My body image IS skewed--I'll admit that generally, I have the same gripes about my body at 145 as I do at 120...

    Becoming a mother has brought another level of acceptance while also offering endless opportunity for comparison and a feeling of never measuring up.

    I would love to say enough is enough. If I can't own it now, when will I!? If not for ourselves, then for our babes!


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